Stupid fucking grass. What do we say next time? No!

Oh, look, Lenny! That grass looks nice! (no.) I want to go lay down in it! (no!) Oh, Lenny! This grass is so soft! (no!) Isn't this amazing! (NO!)

Enjoy the jagged shit in your nice, soft hoodie, asshole.

I miss the intraweb. I live in a house in South Side without cable or internet. I play videogames a lot now. And read. I miss my neopets. Any questions?

Current Mood: cranky

...I just love the fact that I randomly am drawn to the people who turn into the most entertaining and aweome friends to have around. Tonight, I am very proud of the life I have built, and that I am so thankful for the people and animals, the thoughts and wishes, the friends and acquaintances, and everything and everyone around me.

It's kinda like acid, with out the trip...

Current Mood: groggy

The login box won't load on my computer at home, so I have to steal people's laptops at the beehive to exist. I'd rather rant about it here than on myspace. (take a shot)

Oh, dude. The Myspace (take a shot) drinking game has been expanded to include Youtube (take a shot) and Youporn (take a shot.)

Now you can play drinking games in public. Aren't I just so creative?

Current Mood: bored

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Current Mood: peaceful

Or rather, hobbles off, wishing that you didn't need to breathe quite so often.

Backpain. Fucking brilliant deduction, Dr. Wong. How many years of medschool did that one take you? I hadn't even eaten my payday. You made me wait three more hours, when you could have just fucking given me the painkillers after harassing me to find out if my mommy beats me.

The things you experience when you fuck yourself up...

Damn you rib, get back in your spine socket.

Current Mood: sore

So, yeah... Alcohol is so much better on St. Patty's day for some reason...

My goal for the night is to score a guinness.

And I've been walking down carson, tapping the Star Trek emblem attatched t my breast over my heart saying "Captain to bridge... Happy St. (Boozer's/Lush's/Alcoholic's) day" to random strangers. St. Alcoholic's Day seems to be getting the best crowd response.

I love the irish.

Current Mood: drunk

And cheese. And mongooses. And Platipi. And, for the first time in a long while, my life.

So, let's see...

Today, I...

-Donated money to KoL so that I could get some nifty familliars.
-Had my Disorientation at Long John's (fuck YOU Mrs. Chan!)
-Went shopping with Auriel and my mother, and got Pants and some new Vans, which I desperately need (my NYC Converse are dying from all the miles I've put on them lately.
-Saw Mom. (The Beehive Mother.)
-Met a new person because we were having a good, deep conversation about suicide.
-Ran into Dog Boy and Holly, which was just awesome.
-Got Kidnapped to play with powertools.
-Had some guy at the bus stop pull over, ask if I want a ride, and when I said no, he proceeded to put lotion on his hand and drive away... kinda creepy.
-had a random encounter with a drunk guy leaving the bar up the road from my house because I asked for a lighter, and thought my roll-o was a joint...

Yeah. This is good.

I've been in a perpetually good mood for almost a month, and I've barely partied at all in the past few weeks. It's like I've remembered who I was for those first few months of highschool, when everything was okay. The thing is, I've hit rock bottom. I've lived in despair. I realize the changes I've made in my attitude (thanks to certain people that I hope to call my close friends one day...) and I'm ready to hold on to them, to live this way for awhile. I mean, I think I can... I haven't found anyting lately that pushes me back toward the depression, so I can't be sure... but, well... Fuckit. We'll find out when we get there, now won't we?

Current Mood: mischievous

So, yeah... Um... I can't remember what the hell I changed my password to on several accounts, because I was kind of drunk... And one of them is the email address I used to sign up with on the rest of them.

I so suck at life.

Current Mood: sore

Thirteen Paces, turn around... ashes, ashes... all fall down.

Fuck your drama.
Fuck Your Ego.
Fuck your games.
Fuck you.

I have tried.

I have done everything I can.

I have given you every second chance I can.

I can't handle you anymore.

And now, even though I fucking promised that I would never give up on you, I have to.

You have fucking made me break my word.

Until you want to fucking respect me, when that is ALL I have tried to do for you, I'm done.

It's exactly the same...

Bullshit.

You have done nothing in the past weeks but fuck with my head, treat me liek shit, and flip out on me. I'm tired of guilt trips, I'm tired of you freaking out on me. Fuck off. Whenever the one I knew is back, I'll be here, but until then...

I want to know why you fucking took the dark angel away. I know that's who you are. Fucking act like it. Fucking act like the one I knew. Fucking act like yourself. Or were you just fucking with me then?

You treat me like shit, and I keep turning back. Not any more. Now I have to turn my back.

I'm tired of having someone I love ruin a perfect day for me. Constantly.

So you just walked into my life right when I needed you...
You taught me how to smile again.
You showed me how to find that old feeling...
I can't remember the last time I felt like I could drown in my own potential.
You are surrounding me with people who keep reminding me of this.
Every day I spend around you, I remember more just why I like myself.
Thank you. No matter what happens, you've raised me up.
Now I have to dust off my own knees.
But you are my angel right now. You are my miracle.
You are my guiding light.
You are my chance to live the way I was meant to.
Once again, thank you.

Current Mood: hopeful

Last week, I stepped out of the shadow of a broken heart and saw the sunlight for the first time in a long time. I felt the bitter cold of the darkness behind me, and the warmth of the world it hid from my eyes. Light blinded, I crawled back in, afraid of what I could not see in the blinding light. The warmth and the light burned my flesh, stripped at my hide, threatened to tear me apart. The cold has been my home, I told myself, and home is where I shall stay.

Today, I stepped out of the shadow again, and saw the light for what it is. The warmth and the light only served to show me the ice crystals I had let build over myself. The pain I thought was from the sun was of my own design, as I stayed where I never needed to. I wish I could say you showed me that the melting ice would only hurt for a few minutes... But you're not here right now.

Tonight, I shall sleep under the stars, the shadow nearby. I still fear leaving the shadow that has been my home for longer than I've known. It moved in awhile ago, when I first began to lose. But In the light, I can see I lost nothing that I need, because everything I loved is still in my reach, maybe even closer than before. And so, tomorrow, I will move foreward into the light. I start a new journey tomorrow, and everything I need, I have already to take along.

Tomorrow, The shadow may have shifted. I may wake up, frozen through to my very soul again. But you... I feel you. You shine with the light of Apollo. Your light came to me in a waking dream. It made me less fearful of the light I stood in today. It let me feel the sun on my skin with awe and wonder instead of disgust and hatred. You showed me that the burn was just the last of the shadow, peeling away from my flesh, wrenched loose by the life within the light. I know you're nearby. Will you find me while I sleep tonight? If the shadow moves over my body, curled fetal in the moonlight, will you see me as you pass?

Next week, I'll know who you are. I'll know where you are. I'll know you then. But next week seems like forever from now. And no matter where I walk to from here, The shadow will follow me, until the light that pushes it back comes from this world, instead of the heavens. Apollo can not save me from my past. You cannot save me either. But you can make it easier. I can move even farther with someone to talk to along the way, and you want to be there. I can feel that in my dreams...

But do you know where I am? Can you meet me here? Do you even know who I am? Are you as confused as I am, with whispers of my soul shining through your dreams with a tarnished silver light, and no face to place it to? Can you feel me nearby, without knowing me? Because I hear the whispers of your golden soul, feel them as I walk through the city streets, but I still search for you.

Next week. Remember. Next week.

I'll meet you there.

Current Mood: calm

So now that shit's hit a stasis point, I've def. been left with a lot less of a broken heart. I'm still torn up over what I had to do to Serenity (It's such a pain in the ass... I ended up with the name from my dreams, so I can't let her be an annonymous parasite the way I tried... It would be so much easier if I hadn't had that, but at the same time, the dreams kept me sane too... Maybe I'll explain later...)

But now, I actually get to see the new standards. I made it through the storm, the constant change, the wondering, the fear... Now I see that I didn't lose anything but a good lay, just like he promised. And in some ways, it's easier to talk to him now. And now that I'm not involved with him, I really see how great he and Stef are together. I think she'll make him a hell of a lot happier than I ever could. For one thing, she's a hell of a lot better at dealing with his PITA moments...

The other thing about it is that I still have someone to turn to when I need someone to hold me until the shaking passes, or to just sit there in silence until I can calm myself down, and he still knows which I need...

I think I can get used to Gizmo as a friend a lot quicker than I realized.

I'm still having those moments where it hurts, but they're a lot fewer and farther between.

It's all good.

So... what has been going on in the world of snarkey in my posting absence...

let's see...

I had to get an abortion, that I didn't want to have but I needed to because there's no way I could support a child right now...

Gizmo broke up with me after having called a break right before Christmas... He and Stef are engaged now...

Um, yeah... That about covers thursday...


I just don't know what the hell to do right now, because I got so fucking used to feeling his energies inside of me making a new life that I need him around me to feed off of the energy, because otherwise, I just feel nothing but the void. I was never alone for the past 16 weeks, and now...

I knew I couldn't keep her, but that doesn't change the fact that I wanted to more than anything I've ever wanted before. And him... I love him so much that I have wanted to spend my life with him for a few months now. I never told him that... And now there's so much I need to say to have my closure with this, and I can't help but feel guilty telling him I wanted to be the one for him, that I wanted his child when he's engaged to one of my closest friends, and his ex. They were engaged when they broke up. They both tried to respect me... they both tried to hide the fact that they still felt the same about each other...

When it all finally came out, Gizmo never told me exactly what had happened. He kept it to himself because he does love me too... but just not as much as her. Things were weird with him ever since they had that conversation... Knowing that he could have the love of his fucking life back in his arms... he couldn't be happy with me anymore... but it's fucking destroying me right now. It's tearing me apart. I never knew anyone before who let me not be afraid of the thought of forever, and to have it shatter in my hands while I watch helplessly as his past catches up to him and he has a chance at the happiness he lost before...

I'm trying to stay calm. I am. but I'm still feeling the physical effects of the procedure, and every time I cramp up, I just want to reach out and squeeze his hand... I want to turn to him for support and love, but it's bittersweet if I do. It hurts to be around him, but I go crazy without him. I need him as a friend so bad, because he's the easiest person I've ever known to talk to. And the energies. I had a piece of him scraped out of my womb, a piece that I hate myself for not having the means to love and nurture, and now I can't be there to do the same for him...

He says it's going to be exactly the same, just without the sex. I don't think he realizes just how much his love is to me. because, of everything that I could be afraid of losing, all I really hurt about not having right now is that one person that no matter what is bothering me, all I need from them is a kiss on the forehead goodnight, and to feel their breath on the back of my neck, the weight of their arm around me, and their pulse rhythmically pulling me to sleep.

Nothing has ever been the same between us since he started seeing Stef again. She really broke his heart when she left him, and just seeing her again as a friend, he wanted to be with her again. and it fucked with his head, because he felt guilty feeling that way about her and still loving me. He hated the idea that he might hurt me, but couldn't cut her out, and so the more they saw each other, the more confused he got. The more confused he got, the more things got stressed between us. We both tried to hide it. I don't doubt him for a minute when he tells me he loves me, I never have. He tried not to let his feelings for Stef complicate things. He Tried to make me happy. And I tried not to see that it was too hard, I tried to be comfortable with the two of them being together. She became one of my best friends then. She really did. I feel closer to both of them than anyone else I know. I have for awhile. And now...

He had so much shit on his mind that he'd snap easilly. He always says I remind him of Stef a lot. He's said that we're basically the same person on numerous occasions. I guess that made it even harder. I hated to admit to myself that I had my doubts about trusting him. I mean, I knew he'd never cheat on me, shouldn't that have been enough? But I also knew how he loves her, and I was afraid that with all the arguing we'd been doing because of our own inner turmoil, he'd find a reason to leave me for her. He's the one person I never wanted to be without. I knew it wans't going to last forever between us, but so much of me hoped for it that it felt like a need more than a want, and no matter how fucked up in the head I got, those fantasies always left me feeling calm, content, and without any fear whatsoever.

And now here we are.

As soon as the child that was never meant to be was gone, he couldn't pretend anymore. When I was leaving the clinic, the love I felt from him was so strong that I thought it might not be ending, but once we got to the beehive, there it was... He broke up with me right then... He couldn't keep pretending that there was reason for me to have hope about an us anymore, I guess, or maybe he had a pretty good idea of what it was Stef wanted to talk about... As soon as Stef got there, she pulled him outside. A minute or two later, they came back in, happier than I've ever seen her, and than I've seen him in a long time. Stef borrowed my phone and stepped away. He looked at me and said "Me and Stef are getting married!" And with six fucking words, I was shattered. It was less than five hours from the procedure.

And as broken as I felt, and alone without my Serenity anymore, and knowing that John will never be my lover again... I felt Joy. I was overwhelmed with a warmth for the two of them. And everything I want to be angry about, or when I want to feel like I've been betrayed... It doesn't work. I can't find any hatred, any anger, any sense of being wronged...

That makes it so much harder. I want to scream, but there's nothing but loss behind it when I do. There is no rage, there is no release, there is only a reminder of the lack of hope I feel inside, knowing that the only person I've ever seen myself staying with can't love me as deeply.

I can't imagine anyone else who can cut through the white noise in my mind and soul without a word, without trying. Just him being there, I had quiet and peace. It wasn't about the sex, it wasn't about gifts, it wasn't about anything material, any sacrifices, or anything like that. It was just that state of Nirvana that I've had every night for the past year in those last moments before drifting off to sleep in his arms...

And the fact that I've been such a wreck about what I had to do to Serenity that I couldn't be myself, couldn't appreciate the last couple of months, or show my appreciation rather. I feel like I fucked something up by being so absorbed in my pain that I couldn't enjoy the last of my time with him. I hated every day, except for those moments of peace at the end. I just...

Fuck.

I need to do something, but there's no way to take my mind off of this. He's been a thought in my head no matter where I've been for so long now that I don't know how to go back to normal, because normal has been with him. And I know I'm not losing his love, I know I still have his friendship, but I lost a piece of my soul when he left, because I had given it entirely to him.

A Wise girl:
Kisses but does not Love
Listens but does not Believe
Leaves before she is Left Behind.

So whetre have I been? Hippy Camp, Home, The Mall, South Side, Dina's house, Xenia's house. You know.

Too drunk to type. Catch ya later.

Damnit! I had to take the gauge out.

Wheee! My parents are out of town.

Yay! Southside day.

Ooh. Wake and bake.

oh, and about being scairt shitless... I'm not pregnant! No Antichrist!

Current Mood: giddy

Snarkey just gauged up to a pony bead. You remember those plastic round beads that everyone used to make lizzards and shit out of? I have one through my ear. And I want to go to Pat Catans and get more so I can make a lizzard to hang through it. Yay for the fads of my childhood.

I also downloaded a shlode of plugins for firefox, so now I have a ton of cool toys. My WinAmp now controls through the bottom of the browser, I have my mouse gestures and session restore extensions, I have a smiley directory...


Ladies and gentlemen, it is on like

This is for my sucifer:

Okay. More of these in future posts!

That, and I'm scaired shitless right now, but I'll tell you all about it (after?) this weekend...

Anyways... I gotta get ready for work. Hopefully the drier finished my pants. Peace out.

Current Mood: Don't want to go to work...

The largest study of its kind has unexpectedly concluded that smoking
marijuana, even regularly and heavily, does not lead to lung cancer.

The new findings "were against our expectations," said Donald Tashkin
of the University of California at Los Angeles, a pulmonologist who has
studied marijuana for 30 years.

"We hypothesized that there would be a positive association between
marijuana use and lung cancer, and that the association would be more
positive with heavier use," he said. "What we found instead was no
association at all, and even a suggestion of some protective effect."

Federal health and drug enforcement officials have widely used
Tashkin's previous work on marijuana to make the case that the drug is
dangerous. Tashkin said that while he still believes marijuana is potentially
harmful, its cancer-causing effects appear to be of less concern than
previously thought.

Earlier work established that marijuana does contain cancer-causing
chemicals as potentially harmful as those in tobacco, he said. However,
marijuana also contains the chemical THC, which he said may kill aging
cells and keep them from becoming cancerous.

Tashkin's study, funded by the National Institutes of Health's National
Institute on Drug Abuse, involved 1,200 people in Los Angeles who had
lung, neck or head cancer and an additional 1,040 people without cancer
matched by age, sex and neighborhood.

They were all asked about their lifetime use of marijuana, tobacco and
alcohol. The heaviest marijuana smokers had lighted up more than 22,000
times, while moderately heavy usage was defined as smoking 11,000 to
22,000 marijuana cigarettes. Tashkin found that even the very heavy
marijuana smokers showed no increased incidence of the three cancers
studied.

"This is the largest case-control study ever done, and everyone had to
fill out a very extensive questionnaire about marijuana use," he said.
"Bias can creep into any research, but we controlled for as many
confounding factors as we could, and so I believe these results have real
meaning."

Tashkin's group at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA had
hypothesized that marijuana would raise the risk of cancer on the basis of
earlier small human studies, lab studies of animals, and the fact that
marijuana users inhale more deeply and generally hold smoke in their
lungs longer than tobacco smokers -- exposing them to the dangerous
chemicals for a longer time. In addition, Tashkin said, previous studies
found that marijuana tar has 50 percent higher concentrations of chemicals
linked to cancer than tobacco cigarette tar.

While no association between marijuana smoking and cancer was found,
the study findings, presented to the American Thoracic Society
International Conference this week, did find a 20-fold increase in lung cancer
among people who smoked two or more packs of cigarettes a day.

The study was limited to people younger than 60 because those older
than that were generally not exposed to marijuana in their youth, when it
is most often tried.

Current Mood: ecstatic

Time for some remedial math.

4 stones + 4 Foam Swords = überfunness.

Dina and I were sitting there smoking a hookah, and watching our boyfriends beat each other with the swords. Buddha took a hit to the netherlands. Dina and I have our conversation interrupted with a "I've been neutered!"

when asked how that felt, Buddha's only comment was this. "My pride!" Tee hee hee.

So I jumped up and said "I'm so blogging this. Can I use your computer?"

And here it is.

Well, I'm gonna go run back to the dueling.

You know you're a geek when you stop hanging out with your friends to blog what you are currently doing with said friends.

Peace out, my geeky friends!

Current Mood: amused

I'm so fucking bored. I'm not allowed to cook, because my mother is a cockmonging asshat. My back is killing me for some unknown reason. I want to do something productive, but I just don't know what. And so I waste time on the intraweb. Fuck.

Current Mood: bored